Recently I've been thinking a lot about life in my twenties, and this will probably be the first of a few blogs written about changes I've found as I've moved into the 'grown up' stage of my life, having a real job, real bills, and very real responsibilities. As I write this down, I know it'll probably act as a kind of guide of how not to do life, as these things never seem to come easily to me.
The first area that changed in my life as I adjusted to the routine of a working life related to friendships and loneliness. Since I was young, I've always seemed to have a group around me. When I was a schoolboy, I'd have my friends to play football with, then as I got older I had the Grimsby lads, then the uni crowd. When I got into my first job, I found this to no longer be the case. I had long hours to work, and fitting things in became a problem. Having things going on at the church was great, as it provided me with balance and kept me focused on what was important in my life. As time went on, I found I had less time to socialise and found myself with fewer genuine friendships than I'd ever previously had. It felt that I was trying hard to keep all the plates spinning and not let anyone down, while in reality I felt more isolated and lonely than ever. As a man, it's clearly not cool to talk about these things, so I sucked it up and moved on.
I ploughed through life, trying to do what needed to be done, but feeling that no-one else really had time to just hang out and take an interest in my life. As I looked at people in church, I saw a whole bunch of busy people, involved in their ministries and serving God, getting married and having very little free time. I felt that everyone was so busy and that I was sitting on the outside, not having many people I could turn to or just be around. Having worked with a group of guys in their twenties, I know I'm not alone in feeling this. From what I gathered this is a huge issue in church, particularly if you're single. People take up their time serving, or being with their other half, and people who are single find themselves often at a loose end.
I read a book recently about some of these issues. It's called 'Searching for God Knows What' by Donald Miller and it may well be one of the very best books that I've ever read. In it, he makes the point that when God created Adam, He declared that it was not good for him to be alone, and so created Eve. I was struck by the fact that even in paradise, man was not meant to just live with him and God. Man was meant to live in community with each other, enjoying God together and having that relationship experience shared. Somewhere down the line, it feels the importance of that has been lost. We hold up the strong, independent lifestyle as some kind of heroic feat, that somewhere along the line man was meant to plough ahead, living for God in isolation and having this intimacy with Him that no-one can come close to.
Paul is often held up as this example, but Paul was not a man who ploughed through life alone. While he wasn't married, and often outlined the benefits of following God as a single man, Paul spent most of his new life following Jesus and living in community. The writings we have of his are all to other churches that have visited, or people that are special to him. Wherever Paul went, he connected with people, not holding back his relationship with God as 'personal', but sharing his life, his experiences, his pain, his successes. Paul let people in and knew what it was to walk the journey of following God alongside others.
Recently I've been made more aware of my need to involve other people in my relationship with God. I've realised that my relationship with God is not just something I should lock away and not let anyone else near through fear that they may ruin it. I've found that to open up about where I am with God is something that can help both me and others. Talking about our relationships with God should be something which spurs us on, bringing challenge, refreshment and encouragement. It's not something that I've found particularly easy to do at first, but I'm starting to see the impact it can have on my life, and those around me. When I married Anna last year, I knew I wanted to spend my whole life with her and that we'd grow old together. What I didn't quite realise is that everything would be out in the open. Every fear, every weakness, every emotion. At times that has been something that's been so tough. However, as we've poured these things out, and learned to share our lives fully with each other, that's been something which has drawn me closer to God, and closer to Anna as a result. Ultimately, it's been hard to have yourself laid bare, but having someone see the worst part of you, and still choose to love you without running a mile brings more acceptance and love than you can ever feel without opening up. I've found it brings freedom and release, and as we seek God together from that place of openness, I'm learning what intimacy really is.
To finish, I guess I'm saying that we all need people. I'm not minimising our need for God in this, but I'm saying that we need to involve people as we try to follow Him and know Him closer. None of us were meant to plough on alone. We all need people that we can open up to, pray with, laugh with, cry with and learn from. I think we were meant to seek God as a people, not just running the lonely race in the hope that one day it'll be worth it when we die. If we are to truly know what it is to know Him closely, then we must have people around us who will input into our lives. By the same token, we must be prepared to go out of our way to input into the lives of others.
Like I said earlier, it is my belief that a lot of people in churches feel isolated, that no-one in the church values them enough to spend time with them, or see how they are. I understand that feeling, and it's not something that just gets removed when you get married. Ultimately, we need to take a step out of relaxing in our homes and invite someone in to our lives, letting down all of our barriers. I have no doubt it'll be painful at times, but I also know how great it will be, and I really believe we will start to know what it is to live in community, and love God as His church
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