All By Myself...

Recently I've been thinking a lot about life in my twenties, and this will probably be the first of a few blogs written about changes I've found as I've moved into the 'grown up' stage of my life, having a real job, real bills, and very real responsibilities. As I write this down, I know it'll probably act as a kind of guide of how not to do life, as these things never seem to come easily to me.

The first area that changed in my life as I adjusted to the routine of a working life related to friendships and loneliness. Since I was young, I've always seemed to have a group around me. When I was a schoolboy, I'd have my friends to play football with, then as I got older I had the Grimsby lads, then the uni crowd. When I got into my first job, I found this to no longer be the case. I had long hours to work, and fitting things in became a problem. Having things going on at the church was great, as it provided me with balance and kept me focused on what was important in my life. As time went on, I found I had less time to socialise and found myself with fewer genuine friendships than I'd ever previously had. It felt that I was trying hard to keep all the plates spinning and not let anyone down, while in reality I felt more isolated and lonely than ever. As a man, it's clearly not cool to talk about these things, so I sucked it up and moved on.

I ploughed through life, trying to do what needed to be done, but feeling that no-one else really had time to just hang out and take an interest in my life. As I looked at people in church, I saw a whole bunch of busy people, involved in their ministries and serving God, getting married and having very little free time. I felt that everyone was so busy and that I was sitting on the outside, not having many people I could turn to or just be around. Having worked with a group of guys in their twenties, I know I'm not alone in feeling this. From what I gathered this is a huge issue in church, particularly if you're single. People take up their time serving, or being with their other half, and people who are single find themselves often at a loose end.

I read a book recently about some of these issues. It's called 'Searching for God Knows What' by Donald Miller and it may well be one of the very best books that I've ever read. In it, he makes the point that when God created Adam, He declared that it was not good for him to be alone, and so created Eve. I was struck by the fact that even in paradise, man was not meant to just live with him and God. Man was meant to live in community with each other, enjoying God together and having that relationship experience shared. Somewhere down the line, it feels the importance of that has been lost. We hold up the strong, independent lifestyle as some kind of heroic feat, that somewhere along the line man was meant to plough ahead, living for God in isolation and having this intimacy with Him that no-one can come close to.

Paul is often held up as this example, but Paul was not a man who ploughed through life alone. While he wasn't married, and often outlined the benefits of following God as a single man, Paul spent most of his new life following Jesus and living in community. The writings we have of his are all to other churches that have visited, or people that are special to him. Wherever Paul went, he connected with people, not holding back his relationship with God as 'personal', but sharing his life, his experiences, his pain, his successes. Paul let people in and knew what it was to walk the journey of following God alongside others.

Recently I've been made more aware of my need to involve other people in my relationship with God. I've realised that my relationship with God is not just something I should lock away and not let anyone else near through fear that they may ruin it. I've found that to open up about where I am with God is something that can help both me and others. Talking about our relationships with God should be something which spurs us on, bringing challenge, refreshment and encouragement. It's not something that I've found particularly easy to do at first, but I'm starting to see the impact it can have on my life, and those around me. When I married Anna last year, I knew I wanted to spend my whole life with her and that we'd grow old together. What I didn't quite realise is that everything would be out in the open. Every fear, every weakness, every emotion. At times that has been something that's been so tough. However, as we've poured these things out, and learned to share our lives fully with each other, that's been something which has drawn me closer to God, and closer to Anna as a result. Ultimately, it's been hard to have yourself laid bare, but having someone see the worst part of you, and still choose to love you without running a mile brings more acceptance and love than you can ever feel without opening up. I've found it brings freedom and release, and as we seek God together from that place of openness, I'm learning what intimacy really is.

To finish, I guess I'm saying that we all need people. I'm not minimising our need for God in this, but I'm saying that we need to involve people as we try to follow Him and know Him closer. None of us were meant to plough on alone. We all need people that we can open up to, pray with, laugh with, cry with and learn from. I think we were meant to seek God as a people, not just running the lonely race in the hope that one day it'll be worth it when we die. If we are to truly know what it is to know Him closely, then we must have people around us who will input into our lives. By the same token, we must be prepared to go out of our way to input into the lives of others.

Like I said earlier, it is my belief that a lot of people in churches feel isolated, that no-one in the church values them enough to spend time with them, or see how they are. I understand that feeling, and it's not something that just gets removed when you get married. Ultimately, we need to take a step out of relaxing in our homes and invite someone in to our lives, letting down all of our barriers. I have no doubt it'll be painful at times, but I also know how great it will be, and I really believe we will start to know what it is to live in community, and love God as His church

Pub Quiz

Yesterday I went to a pub quiz with Anna and my parents. I've been to pub quizzes before, and I feel I can usually hold my own. Somehow this one was different. I should have read some of the signs, like being told one of the rounds last week was on 1950s music. On arrival we were introduced to our other team members. This led to immediately being abused by them for driving to the pub, proclaiming "Young people these days, they just can't hack it". I'm not sure what we can't hack, but I was so happy to be called young that I let it go.

Then the quiz began. It started with a picture round, where me and Anna performed quite well, using our 'youth' to provide a couple of answers and even a correct overrule. From there, things went steadily downhill. Even the sports round proved nightmarish for me, including questions on Raith Rovers, Scrabble and Croquet. By the time the music round came up we were defeated. Me and Anna hadn't said much to the team for a good while, and I felt the shame of our limited use. The team looked towards me when a 'modern' song was played (and I'm talking Culture Club here, hardly cutting edge) and I muttered that I'd only just been born. The final result was that we finished 7th out of 9, a poor result for a team that usually finished mid-table. Somehow our presence had made things worse, despite being the only ones able to spot Alexandra Burke.

I got home last night, and thought about the experience and how odd the whole thing was. The more I thought about it, the more the pub quiz seemed like so many of our expressions of church.

1. Being 'a regular'

Firstly, there was a real feeling of being 'a regular'. The teams take it in turn to do the quiz, and everyone knows each other. There are rivalries simmering below the surface, with teams noted for being poor markers (shame on them). Everyone sat in the same place, with the same group, and commented on how good/bad others were. Being sat there last night felt like I was very much invited through someone else, but I never felt like I belonged. So often in churches we can get into the place where new people feel like they're looking in on someone else's world and they're wondering if they're welcome. This sense of belonging can be exclusive, or really positive. The early church really knew community, and people joining would have had a real sense of belonging. I think deep down we all want that feeling of being valued by those around us, that Cheers feeling where everyone knows our name. I saw that last night, and I've seen it in churches. My worry is that it can often take so long to get there, and so many people drift away, feeling they've not broken into 'the group'.

2. Sound system

People were discussing the merits of having a new microphone and replacing the tape player. That felt strangely quaint, in a world where churches feel they need the latest sound desks/monitors/projectors/dancing monkeys to appeal to people.

3. The music

I didn't know any of the songs. I complained about that fact, demanding more modern ones, mirroring the argument that rages in pretty much all churches everywhere. In my defence, it was rubbish, one of the ones of 'my era' being Status Quo.

4. Pride

This is fundamental to any good quiz team. If you want to be respected you have to be confident in your answers so that people listen to you. The problem with that is it can become difficult when you're wrong. I corrected one of my team twice last night, and it didn't go down particularly well, like I'd peed in his chips. I think this is one of our biggest issues in churches right now. It's important to discuss theology and challenge our understanding of God and His word, but there are times when it just becomes a big petty battle about who knows more, much like a competitive quiz team. I wonder how ridiculous we must look to God at times, arguing about who is right and how much we know of Him when in reality we won't be able to grasp a fraction of who He is until we see Him face to face, and then we won't care who knows what.

Like a lot of people in church, I know some stuff about the Bible, but I feel I could be out-argued by a lot of people. Often discussions just become about who thinks they know the most, and stopped being about God at all. We use that to prove ourselves as worthy. If that fails, and we don't know as much, we turn to our morality as signs that we're 'in the group'. It becomes one giant game of belonging ("I don't watch this on TV", "Well I don't listen to secular music", "Well my car horn plays Shine Jesus Shine") until we've proved ourselves. There's something innate in us that makes us feel that we have to somehow earn the right to belong, that we feel we've got to have something to bring to the table or we won't have part of 'the group'.

I'm not sure of what to make of all this. I just know that last night there was a bunch of people who belonged in a group, and the pub quiz mentality is often that your prove yourself/blag your way through to acceptance. So often that's the way in our churches. It didn't seem like Jesus wanted much to do with that. He seemed to want to be followed by flawed people who were hungry to know God and have relationship with Him. Jesus didn't seem to have much time for people trying to prove their knowledge. His followers seemed a bit rag-tag at best. Rather than going to the clever or proud, Jesus seemed to go for the ordinary, the broken, the outcast. It seems to me like his message was one of acceptance, that God doesn't want to be impressed and that all are welcome.

As Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’(Matthew 22: 37-38). This year, I'm going to try and live my life by that. Like anyone else, I struggle to feel I'm accepted. I want to earn love, to prove my worth. Ultimately it seems like the important things to God are to have relationship with Him, and to show love to people. Sounds quite simple, but quite tough. Maybe if we weren't afraid to let the guard down, stop trying to prove ourselves and let our thoughts and actions be shaped by Him, we may just change our worlds.